Monday, March 12, 2012

I got my MOM MD!

That's right, as of Friday evening, I received my undergrad from and then obtained my master's in the very same night from none other than  Both are highly esteemed for information and higher learning.  Sure, some people use their degrees to do harm or laugh at others misfortunes but I used my new found knowledge to perform a medical procedure on my youngest child.  See, MOM MD at your service! Let me know how I can be of assistance to you.  I draw the line at delivering babies.

Let's back up to form the medical history on my very first patient.  He presents as a rambunctious 2 1/2 year old male with a 12 hour old possible arm injury.  Earlier in the day, the patient's older brother was known to have pulled him rather violently up the stairs to recieve punishment.  This resulted in an injury to the left arm which was still to be determined if it was false pain or indeed a medical emergency.  After spending the day holding the arm like a dead fish, another highly esteemed medical colleague suggested it may actually be an injury.  After this consult, we  she makes our diagnosis.  Nurse Maid's Elbow.

We, my para-professional colleague and I, did the appropriate research(google) to confirm the initial diagnosis and reviewed the medical procedure(you tube) to be performed.  We had 3 options for the procedure and we chose the one we thought knew  we could competently perform in our newly formed office (living room).  I held the patient and took the gimp arm (yes, thats a medically correct term) in my hands.  With one hand, I secured the elbow and with the other hand I lifted the arm while turning it to flexion at his shoulder.  I heard the "pop" (also medically correct) and knew that the procedure had been performed with accuracy and skill and was now complete.  The patient felt immediate relief and was rewarded with refined sugar.  After a few high five's congratulatory glances , my professional colleague and I closed up our office for the day with one satisfied patient.  I feel lucky to live in a skilled medical community (internet) that allows me to offer relief to children with gimp arms.

The REAL story:
So we're preparing to leave Nashville for Montgomery and Lincoln does something that requires a spanking.  Jackson being the tattle-tail big brother makes it his mission to ensure he receives the punishment and he proceeds to drag him up the stairs by his arm.  Some screaming is occurring but if you've been around here for long, you'll know it's not that uncommon.  When Lincoln comes up, he's crying his way out of his spanking by claiming his arm hurts.  Lincoln was is my dramatic child.  There have been boo-boos that have long since healed that I'm still kissing around here.  I thought this was another Lincoln ploy to secure his "baby doesn't need a spanking" rank.  Well, he whines for a while about the arm as I'm getting ready.  I find a sucker in the bottom of the suitcase I'm packing and decide it's perfectly fine to consume so I asked him if a sucker would make his arm feel better and he felt sure it would.  I gave it to him and the child places the sucker on his hurt arm!  Yes, indeed, the sucker is placed on the injury as if it's goign to make it better.  I'm not sure it was working because shortly afterwards the sucker had been consumed.

For the rest of the day Lincoln held that arm limp and wouldn't use it.  I was sure he was fine and just attention seeking.  We arrived in Montgomery and I was visiting a friend who's opinion I trust and she said she actually didn't think my little drama king was faking.  She said there was something to the way he couldn't turn his palm upwards.  She went on to say "it sounds like nurse-maids elbow" and I looked at her like she had a 3rd eye.  She said it's common in young kids that have been pulled and it can be placed back  with an easy medical procedure.  She had to google it to convince me and check her spot on accuracy!  After we felt confident in our google diagnosis, we watched a couple of you tubes on how to correct nurse maids elbow at home. I knew our insurance probably wouldn't cover crap in Alabama.   Since my friend, Rusty, was an occupational therapist, we felt sure this procedure was being performed under medical supervision but she insisted that I perform it on my own child, for legal safety's sake.  I chose the turn and flex method and all at once while he was sitting on my lap, I take his elbow in one hand and wrist in the other and turn his hand palm up while pressing his arm up toward his shoulder.  I distinctly heard the pop of it going back into place and knew that the child had been healed.  You'd think he was going to scream and cry but he whimpered a second before saying "You fixed it!"  So yes, I fixed his arm and all was right in the world.

There you have it, my Mom MD.

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