Monday, May 7, 2012

Deja vu?

Am I dreaming?  This couldn't be real.  Is that extra large black box sitting in my living room again waiting to accept all of my husbands belongings for his imminent departure?  I could have sworn I proudly held a sign about 2 years ago claiming to never feel this way again.  To never have to put up with separation again.  
This is SO different, yet it feels exactly the same.  The lump in your throat.  The realization of all the things he won't be around to do.  The scary nights when you go to bed alone, knowing you should be the brave one.  

Jason left today.  He'll be gone for a little over 3 months, 103 days but who's counting.  Now, you're probably thinking, 3 months, JUST 3 months!  That's nothing!  You've done YEARS without him.  It's true.  All true.  But once you've done it, you know, it never really gets easier in your heart.  It's just not easy to be away from the love of your life.  There's never anything easy about raising children alone.  
I never thought I'd be back to taking out the trash.  I REALLY hate taking out the trash.  
Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to his decision to work in Houston.  He's got an opportunity to work for the company of his dreams and he's very excited to do so.  He's going to work for THE #1 TOP Fortune 500 company.  He's going to be working at Exxon Mobil and he couldn't be happier.  That just means we have to be away from him.  If he performs well and they like him, we will most likely be moving to Houston to start a career next summer.  

But this summer, he'll spend it there working as an intern and we'll spend our time here without him.  On the flip side, we are enjoying cereal (and frozen yogurt) for dinner most nights, we have plans to travel to far away places (Cali!) and I do intend to visit him around July 4th for a while.  
This is so immensely different from out last goodbyes and it seems silly to even fret about this one.  He'll go to a domestic place and NO ONE (hopefully, for goodness sake) will shoot at him.  He wears all his normal clothes and I can text and call him freely and I should NEVER ever hear a bomb go off in the background or get that "let me call you back" panicked voice.  There are so many things I am thankful I won't be experiencing during this time away.  Just remembering them makes me anxious again.  I keep reminding myself that the girls I suffered through my last deployment with are in the midst of another one.  My husband will go and come back and theirs will still be gone and they'll still be worried.  I sympathize with them.  

It feels all too familiar.  The same, but different.  

 The boys seem mostly unaffected. Jackson knows his dad won't be back until he's in first grade.  Lincoln knows his "birfday" is at the end of the month.  He's singing a fantastic rendition of "Happy Birthday!"

There are not nearly enough days that I count my blessings to NEVER have to be the one to leave them.  I'm glad he has the strength to do it, he does it for our family.    I just don't think I could.  
I told you.  ALL to familiar.

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